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Mar. 29th, 2011

 Had an interesting two sentence conversation with my dear friend and maternal beacon this morning. I mentioned that regardless of how much I love the tiny town in which I lived for twenty years, that I never really fit it. She abruptly turned, looked me in the eye and said, “it’s not a question of whether you fit in here. It has to do with whether or not it fits your needs.” She was dead serious and you know – I think she was right.

My adopted town is beautiful, filled to the brim with lovely people and sweet memories. It also has its share of pain and pilikia, but that’s not the point right now. The point is – I needed to leave and it had nothing to do with the community’s thoughts, feelings or perceptions of me.

There’s a safety element to living here – sheltered and secluded from the rest of the world.  Not only geographically, but also in more subtle and layered ways. For me, Hana was a place to hide out – to avoid many challenges of life.

And for a while, that was really good – a much needed respite. But frankly, I sort of overdid it. Respite can turn into stagnation, if we close our eyes to it. And that’s pretty much what happened to me.

So I moved on.

Or at least 90% of me did. What I’ve come to realize is that the part that didn’t move on contained the ideas, beliefs and attitudes – not particularly positive ones – that have been deeply rooted for years (lifetimes, perhaps) and those things steeped and simmered within my years of stagnation here.

And this week, all that changes. I’ve come to reclaim, dismantle and refresh my last ten per cent.

Wish me luck.

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